Christmas

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Father.

People always say that Jesus is the reason for the season and that is completely right but immensely understated.

God made everything in this world and everything not in this world. He made the smallest atom and He made the universe. He made matter and He made energy. He made blue whales and penguins and birds and tigers and dogs and cats and zebras and giraffes. He made leaves and He made seaweed and He made willow trees. He made me, He made you. Of everything in the entire universe that He made- He loves us most. I don't feel as though I can thoroughly comprehend that statement. He loves me so much that He sent a perfect little baby boy into the world to grow up into a perfect, strong man who took my place on a cross. I will never know a love like that from anyone other than my Savior and it makes me weak to think of it.

He loves you more than anyone ever will be able to.

Miraculous 4 am realizations

Something suddenly occurred to me tonight.

My life is full ahead of me. Not behind. To look at it thus is my way to find happiness.

To have changed my mind about my future has given me a contentedness I've never truly been aware existed.

My college education Fall 2009

When do you figure out who you are? Should it be when you are 22? Because I don't think I'm there yet. I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm happy being a stranger to myself- as weird as that sounds.

I'm learning new things. Not every day but just slowly, gradually I learn something new.

For instance, my entire life I looked at each day as new. Yesterday happened and was no more. All of my past failures were erased. Sleep erased all and from dawn to dusk a new life was formed. When I woke the new day was full of possibilities and successes to be had and would most likely happen before nightfall. Now I know that the problems of yesterday are still here when I wake up. They haven't left. They haven't magically disappeared or been erased. However, that isn't a negative. Because each day does still hold the possibility for success and each new day is a chance to make the right decisions. The problems may not magically disappear but something bette happens. By making the choices myself problems either get bigger or smaller. They can take over or you can work on it until they do eventually end. And I think that is more rewarding.

I've learned that every now and then it is okay to say words like "shit and asshole and fuck." It doesn't make you a terrible person. It doesn't make you anything. Sometimes situations absolutely deserve those words. I've also learned that being nice to people doesn't mean you have to let them control your life. Being nice is something to do because of who you are, not because of who they are. I've learned that not everyone is going to be a close friend or even a friend at all. And that's alright. Sometimes, it's better to tell someone the absolute truth to their face and lose them then to lie and keep them. And- I've learned that I don't want to be around people who can't handle the truth about themselves or have a sense of humor about themselves.

I've learned a lot.

Mainly, I've learned that I don't know anything. And I like that fact. A lot.

Um.....

Well-

Today was not productive. I was suppose to get 5 pages of my 25 page annotated bibliography done today. Didn't happen.

I was suppose to get laundry done.....didn't happen.

I was suppose to vaccuum and clean the kitchen and the floor and my bathroom. Didn't happen.

Basically, today was a major fail. But- I did watch tv. I won there.

And I went bowling last night and actually won a game...before we started drinking. 3 pitchers in and I bowled a 40. Literally a 40....not so impressive. But the beer was good. So I'll call it a good night.

Anyway, I'm trying to a least get all my cleaning done tonight and I can get my dang paper done tomorrow. Ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving Break.

Saturdays.....

I've had the best Saturday- I want to say this entire semester.

I slept in.

I ate A LOT.

I didn't go for a run (which I should have).

And I didn't do homework.

I've been in my pajamas all day.

It's been really really great.

I did get my room clean and things done around the house.

It's been a super amazing day- and I am really really happy.

Well

Well.........

I feel like I have been super negative in my posts and I don't mean for them to be. It's just- when I'm upset or having a bad day this is where I go to get it out of my heart which then makes my day better. It's just venting....

So on that note- I feel like I need to write about happy things.

Well- I'm tired. And that's not really happy but it's not bad either. I'm tired because I am constantly busy and I like that.

I'm making A's in all my classes. Except science. But I don't count that because science is stupid. :)

I saw a scary movie and am now sleeping holding tightly to my Bible. But I think that it's good to hold onto It.

I'm happy and exhausted.

Life is tough right now. I am constantly under some kind of strain. And I feel like I am always falling short of the standards of the people in my life- the one's who are judging me. But then, when I can see the forest for the trees I realize literally, who gives a shit about what they think? All that matters is that I am pleasing Him and I feel like I'm doing that.

Goodness Me

Goodness Me.

I feel like I am trying really hard. I feel like I am working my butt off. And I am still not good enough. I've never had that before. At least, in the previous years, if I wasn't good enough people just smiled and told me I would get it. Or smiled and said they understood that it was harder for me because I am so small. Now, leadership just doesn't believe in me. Or as it was said, "I cheer on those who have potential". So, when you don't look my way or say way to go Sanders it's because I have no potential? I hate this. I have never hated it as much as I hate it right now. And that says a lot because I really hated it last year.

I know this is God's plan for my life. I know that. But I hate it. Is that a sin? Is it a sin to hate something God has specifically picked out for you? I think it must be.

College

I am miserable to the point of tears. I thought everyone would like to know that. This week blows.

Tuesday: Theories Midterm (pt. 1)
Wednesday: Oral report in Italian
Thursday: Theories Midterm (pt. 2)
Drugs and Society
Friday: Survey of Life Exam
Friday Night: Tuskegee Land Nav
Saturday: AMU shoot at Ft. Benning

I'm going to cry.

Also, I'm squad leader starting tomorrow.
Also, I'm making the same mistakes as last year so why the heck did I even take the semester off if I haven't learned from them?

It's Jogging...or maybe "yogging" the j may be silent

I've become slightly addicted to putting everything in its place. And also to Fox News. And also to tea.

When did I become an adult?

I've found that by Friday's I am completely spent. And testing hasn't even started yet. That's not good. But I am excited about this year. It's not as awful as I thought it would be. So that is good. I do know that I need to stop complaining. I don't think I've ever been this much of a complainer to strangers before. And that's what my "new" class is. They are strangers.

Maybe I'm growing up after all. It's exciting.

Monday's....or really Wednesday's

Today did not start out wonderfully. I'm just hoping to make it through the rest of this dreadful day. It feels like Monday so it is nice that it's Wednesday. However, Wednesday's suck like a vaccuum.

Some day's I'm all about this life I've chosen and completely content and other day's I get really ticked at myself. I guess today is just one of the latter. I am not a happy camper.

I don't know what I did to affect other people's lives in such a negative way but apparently I did. I really wish that they would suck it up and tell me what I did wrong rather than being so stinking passive aggressive. And they're men. I mean man up and just say it to my face or get over it.

Ok- this is a little too negative and I"m sorry about that. I just don't like it when my day gets so off track from the beginning. I guess I need to get in fellowship and move on with a smile.....................................

Haha, all those dots were how long it actually took me to get in fellowship. Ugh, I need a life. :)

Kelly

It's been interesting being alone here. My roommates are gone taking in the one week of summer they have been allotted. One week is a sucky summer....I know b/c I had that last year. These 8 months of summer have been amazing for me but back to reality I guess.

I wrote a very long and honest post yesterday and accidentally deleted it which I know is a blessing. One should never be to honest on the internet.

To give you insight to what might have been if my fingers had not been so clumsy as to accidentally highlight and delete:

I wrote about who I was 10 months ago. Why I truly decided to leave school for a semester. It was blunt and it was not funny but it was the truth. I don't know where this sudden bravada came from...to share something so personal. When I've written on here in the past it has just been the ramblings of a person who had a bad day or was confused about the future. Yesterdays post was enlightening and I'm not sure that I'm okay with that.

Sitting alone in a house for a week and a half practically has given me plenty of time to think. Which is a good thing. Right? I've decided a few random things which I'm happy to share being that they are not all that personal.

1. I do not like the Dole Factory. I went there once a month when we lived in Hawaii and I would rather not go back.
2. I'm proud of my name for these reasons:
a. I'm named after a hero
b. It's my families surname from way back
c. It's Irish
3. I like the fact that I look like my great grandmother. I think it's nice for my grandmother since she lost all of her family in the war.
4. I'm surprisingly less dramatic as I grow older- which seems to be the opposite of what happens to the other women in my family (but I guess give me time. Maybe I'm just in a plateau)
5. I don't like the fact that I cannot get in touch with my Mother. She's in Scotland.
6. It's much easier to leave than be left. At least when you leave it's an adventure.
7. If you add in 1/2 a cup of self rising flour to the already 2 cups of all-purpose flour it makes your cookies just a little too....salty
8. If you're at home alone you shouldn't make 5 dozen chocolate chip cookies from scratch because there is nothing else to do but eat them. All of them.
9. Driving an hour to have dinner with my dad is completely worth it. He's amazing.
10. Being honest is really very hard...it's like you want to tell everyone the truth but you don't want to complain...so if you're having a crappy day and someone asks you how you are...is saying fine a lie? I think this is something you figure out when you're 10 but I'm behind on the curve. As Andre 3000 says, "I'm just being honest" High school, anyone?

I'm rambling again. I'm tired but I'm happy and I think that's why I decided to come back from the hiatus I took from the "Bla(h)g".

I like life. Heck, I love it. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm living it the way I should.

Wow

Overdue...

Hey!

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update ya on my life.....I've been oddly busy.

Well, I have met an amazing group of girls here and they are just sweet sweet people! I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know them. I go to two different Bible studies on Thursday. One is for PWOC- which is filled with wonderful women and the other is for people my age. I am really enjoying them both. At the PWOC Bible study we are doing a study of the Psalms of Ascent lead by Beth Moore....I've never listened to her videos before or done her books but I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! She is truly a devoted Christian and it is so much fun to learn from her. At the other one we are doing a study of Jesus making the disciples fishers of men. That is a fun study and extremely applicable.

At home, I've really been lead to do more studying then what I typically do. I think it may be because I have more time on my hands and God is telling me to use it in a productive way. So, I am doing another study by Beth Moore about being free in Christ and a study by a pastor whose name has left me....but it is on Colossians. On my own, I am reading Philippians which I am really enjoying! It's like Paul finally loosened up!!! (Is that blasphemous?) And I am about to start listening to Buck's study on Joseph. I know it sounds like a lot but lately I start reading and just keep going. It's a little weird for me but I am enjoying it. :)

Well, I miss my sister....she's awesome. :) And I love getting to talk with her on the phone. She is really ridiculously hilarious. And I am happy that I get to see Kim every once in a while.

Now, on to the really important news, LOST. Haha, just kidding. But seriously, that was crazy on Wednesday night. As if they haven't confused me enough they add in time travel! Seriously JJ Abrams and writers. Do you know what you are doing to me????

Okay, well I love ya Em. (Seeing as you are the only one reading this). And I can't wait to talk to ya later!

Weekend

This weekend was ridiculously intense. And it really shouldn't have been.

I was kind of "house sitting" and "baby sitting". 

Anyway, Friday day I was all by myself and so I went to the gym to work out. Which was really fun. Just because the gym is the most amazing place ever. It's huge! But- it is extremely discouraging to be getting into shape with a bunch of people who are in the best shape of their lives. You know that no one is judging you but you kinda think they are...haha.

Friday night my aunt and grandmother came to visit and my cousins. Which was a lot of fun. We just hung out at home and watched a movie. Nothing extremely special. 

Saturday M went to a party so I took E and everyone else with Meg to go see The Tale of Despereaux.  Or however you spell it. It's okay. No Shrek. My aunt and Grandmother left after that and it was then just me and E---M was still at the party. E and I decided to go work out at the gym. Once we got there though it was closing...at 5 on a Saturday! So we decided to run around the track. We got into the car after we were done only to discover that I lost M's ID card! So we went back to the track (it's 1 mile around) and went around it a lot more times trying to find...in the dark...and the rain. No joke. 

Needless to say we didn't find it. So we came back home and got ready to go out. M, E, and I had a great time! We went to dinner at a Mexican place and then bowling...we are really bad bowlers. :) We then came home watched another movie and then went to bed.

Today, we got up and went to church which was a lot of fun. Then we went back to the track, and looked with no avail for the missing ID card. We think it was washed away in the rain last night.

We then went into the gym to go rock climbing and that was amazing! We were AWFUL! We couldn't even get half way up but it was a lot of fun...oh, and there were definitely men who were professional rock climbers there and I'm pretty sure they were making fun of me. 

Afterwards, when we were getting ready to go I realized that I lost my ID card. Yes, 2 in 1 day. No joke. I was so upset that I told the girls to go sit in the car while I looked....I was MAD! Anyway, I left very upset b/c I had no idea where that ID went to. 

When we got home I took off my shoes, and guess what was at the bottom of it? My ID. Kudos to me. I am an idiot. Haha.

Looking for work tomorrow and going back to the gym and hopefully I will keep my ID on me...:)

You Know Who You Are

Dearest sister-

I know you are the only one who is reading this............

So I will talk to you.

I am moving in tomorrow. I am really excited, especially because I am extremely bored right now. :) Which would be the real reason for me to be "posting". Ah, I am such a NERD to have a blog. Haha.

I miss you. I am so happy that we spent the majority of the break together...with very little bickering to the amazement of mankind. And myself--seeing as we are both the instigator and I am generally the slightly touchy one. :) I know, I know, I'm being too hard on myself. (If you aren't Em and you are reading this- that was a joke b/c if anything I do not handle things well- which I am working on).

Being an adult sucks. And rocks. I can't tell yet. I haven't been an adult long enough to have an honest opinion yet. I'll get back to you in five years.

Oh, Ms. Thomas almost made me pay back 40,000 dollars today until I told her I was only taking the semester off and not quitting altogether. That phone call to dad would have not been fun, to say the least.

Las Vegas is going to be AMAZING! I am so excited for you. I was watching Eagle Eye today and a "predator" was like a bad guy and it made me think of Chad...haha. Hopefully he won't have any rogue machines that he has to deal with. Oh, thank him for emailing me my resume. Hopefully I will get hired immediately by someone who wants an almost college graduate and wants to pay me 100000 dollars a year. That's my new goal. Haha. If so, I am definitely not going back to college. Haha.

Okay, this is RIDICULOUSLY pointless. I felt like talking to you without calling...b/c I'm lazy. I love ya and I'm really sorry if you read this whole thing. It wasn't even funny. I'll make the next one witty and clever.

Promise.

Have a brilliant day,

your only sister. (Kelly)

Tomorrow!

I go back to AU today or tomorrow...it's almost 1 pm and I still don't know, haha. Typical.

Anyway, next weekend I am officially moving on! I AM SO EXCITED! I'm going to spend the week with Kim and Claire and then be on my way.

As for a job, I'm not completely sure yet what I am going to be doing. I have a few options and I'm hoping to figure it out so I can start having some sort of income as soon as possible.

Other than that, I'll keep you posted.