My college education Fall 2009

When do you figure out who you are? Should it be when you are 22? Because I don't think I'm there yet. I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm happy being a stranger to myself- as weird as that sounds.

I'm learning new things. Not every day but just slowly, gradually I learn something new.

For instance, my entire life I looked at each day as new. Yesterday happened and was no more. All of my past failures were erased. Sleep erased all and from dawn to dusk a new life was formed. When I woke the new day was full of possibilities and successes to be had and would most likely happen before nightfall. Now I know that the problems of yesterday are still here when I wake up. They haven't left. They haven't magically disappeared or been erased. However, that isn't a negative. Because each day does still hold the possibility for success and each new day is a chance to make the right decisions. The problems may not magically disappear but something bette happens. By making the choices myself problems either get bigger or smaller. They can take over or you can work on it until they do eventually end. And I think that is more rewarding.

I've learned that every now and then it is okay to say words like "shit and asshole and fuck." It doesn't make you a terrible person. It doesn't make you anything. Sometimes situations absolutely deserve those words. I've also learned that being nice to people doesn't mean you have to let them control your life. Being nice is something to do because of who you are, not because of who they are. I've learned that not everyone is going to be a close friend or even a friend at all. And that's alright. Sometimes, it's better to tell someone the absolute truth to their face and lose them then to lie and keep them. And- I've learned that I don't want to be around people who can't handle the truth about themselves or have a sense of humor about themselves.

I've learned a lot.

Mainly, I've learned that I don't know anything. And I like that fact. A lot.

Um.....

Well-

Today was not productive. I was suppose to get 5 pages of my 25 page annotated bibliography done today. Didn't happen.

I was suppose to get laundry done.....didn't happen.

I was suppose to vaccuum and clean the kitchen and the floor and my bathroom. Didn't happen.

Basically, today was a major fail. But- I did watch tv. I won there.

And I went bowling last night and actually won a game...before we started drinking. 3 pitchers in and I bowled a 40. Literally a 40....not so impressive. But the beer was good. So I'll call it a good night.

Anyway, I'm trying to a least get all my cleaning done tonight and I can get my dang paper done tomorrow. Ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving Break.

Saturdays.....

I've had the best Saturday- I want to say this entire semester.

I slept in.

I ate A LOT.

I didn't go for a run (which I should have).

And I didn't do homework.

I've been in my pajamas all day.

It's been really really great.

I did get my room clean and things done around the house.

It's been a super amazing day- and I am really really happy.

Well

Well.........

I feel like I have been super negative in my posts and I don't mean for them to be. It's just- when I'm upset or having a bad day this is where I go to get it out of my heart which then makes my day better. It's just venting....

So on that note- I feel like I need to write about happy things.

Well- I'm tired. And that's not really happy but it's not bad either. I'm tired because I am constantly busy and I like that.

I'm making A's in all my classes. Except science. But I don't count that because science is stupid. :)

I saw a scary movie and am now sleeping holding tightly to my Bible. But I think that it's good to hold onto It.

I'm happy and exhausted.

Life is tough right now. I am constantly under some kind of strain. And I feel like I am always falling short of the standards of the people in my life- the one's who are judging me. But then, when I can see the forest for the trees I realize literally, who gives a shit about what they think? All that matters is that I am pleasing Him and I feel like I'm doing that.

Goodness Me

Goodness Me.

I feel like I am trying really hard. I feel like I am working my butt off. And I am still not good enough. I've never had that before. At least, in the previous years, if I wasn't good enough people just smiled and told me I would get it. Or smiled and said they understood that it was harder for me because I am so small. Now, leadership just doesn't believe in me. Or as it was said, "I cheer on those who have potential". So, when you don't look my way or say way to go Sanders it's because I have no potential? I hate this. I have never hated it as much as I hate it right now. And that says a lot because I really hated it last year.

I know this is God's plan for my life. I know that. But I hate it. Is that a sin? Is it a sin to hate something God has specifically picked out for you? I think it must be.

College

I am miserable to the point of tears. I thought everyone would like to know that. This week blows.

Tuesday: Theories Midterm (pt. 1)
Wednesday: Oral report in Italian
Thursday: Theories Midterm (pt. 2)
Drugs and Society
Friday: Survey of Life Exam
Friday Night: Tuskegee Land Nav
Saturday: AMU shoot at Ft. Benning

I'm going to cry.

Also, I'm squad leader starting tomorrow.
Also, I'm making the same mistakes as last year so why the heck did I even take the semester off if I haven't learned from them?

It's Jogging...or maybe "yogging" the j may be silent

I've become slightly addicted to putting everything in its place. And also to Fox News. And also to tea.

When did I become an adult?

I've found that by Friday's I am completely spent. And testing hasn't even started yet. That's not good. But I am excited about this year. It's not as awful as I thought it would be. So that is good. I do know that I need to stop complaining. I don't think I've ever been this much of a complainer to strangers before. And that's what my "new" class is. They are strangers.

Maybe I'm growing up after all. It's exciting.