Waiting

Someone once told me that waiting would be romantic. They told me that getting a letter in the mail would make up for the absence.

Someone once told me that a year was not a long time. In the big picture, a year was a blink of the eye.

Someone once told me that growing on our own would make us grow closer together. They said that at the end, it would be worth it for our relationship.

I believed them. And they lied. The bastards.

They did not tell me that I would rush to the mailbox everyday and it would be a new hurt each time it was empty.

They did not tell me that I would not be able to see the big picture. They did not tell me that I'm in a tiny, minute snapshot of my life. It's a standstill in a picture frame and it's not moving.

They did not tell me that I wouldn't know how to grow. I want to. I want to be that for him. I want to be the girlfriend who has a smile on her face and a song on her heart. But right now, all I have are tears in my eyes and nothing sounds like music.

I know that intake and application of Bible Doctrine is the only way to make it through this year. And I know I take it in- but I am too busy wallowing in self pity to apply it. Gosh- I am nothing but a wreck, and I have all of the tools to fix myself but I am too selfish to do it.

Regardless of what I am. Regardless of my attitude. Regardless of my circumstances. Of one thing I am absolutely clear:

Deployments are not romantic. Actually they suck. That's two things, but they are infallible truths.

My life is changing, I think.

Christmas

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Father.

People always say that Jesus is the reason for the season and that is completely right but immensely understated.

God made everything in this world and everything not in this world. He made the smallest atom and He made the universe. He made matter and He made energy. He made blue whales and penguins and birds and tigers and dogs and cats and zebras and giraffes. He made leaves and He made seaweed and He made willow trees. He made me, He made you. Of everything in the entire universe that He made- He loves us most. I don't feel as though I can thoroughly comprehend that statement. He loves me so much that He sent a perfect little baby boy into the world to grow up into a perfect, strong man who took my place on a cross. I will never know a love like that from anyone other than my Savior and it makes me weak to think of it.

He loves you more than anyone ever will be able to.

Miraculous 4 am realizations

Something suddenly occurred to me tonight.

My life is full ahead of me. Not behind. To look at it thus is my way to find happiness.

To have changed my mind about my future has given me a contentedness I've never truly been aware existed.

My college education Fall 2009

When do you figure out who you are? Should it be when you are 22? Because I don't think I'm there yet. I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm happy being a stranger to myself- as weird as that sounds.

I'm learning new things. Not every day but just slowly, gradually I learn something new.

For instance, my entire life I looked at each day as new. Yesterday happened and was no more. All of my past failures were erased. Sleep erased all and from dawn to dusk a new life was formed. When I woke the new day was full of possibilities and successes to be had and would most likely happen before nightfall. Now I know that the problems of yesterday are still here when I wake up. They haven't left. They haven't magically disappeared or been erased. However, that isn't a negative. Because each day does still hold the possibility for success and each new day is a chance to make the right decisions. The problems may not magically disappear but something bette happens. By making the choices myself problems either get bigger or smaller. They can take over or you can work on it until they do eventually end. And I think that is more rewarding.

I've learned that every now and then it is okay to say words like "shit and asshole and fuck." It doesn't make you a terrible person. It doesn't make you anything. Sometimes situations absolutely deserve those words. I've also learned that being nice to people doesn't mean you have to let them control your life. Being nice is something to do because of who you are, not because of who they are. I've learned that not everyone is going to be a close friend or even a friend at all. And that's alright. Sometimes, it's better to tell someone the absolute truth to their face and lose them then to lie and keep them. And- I've learned that I don't want to be around people who can't handle the truth about themselves or have a sense of humor about themselves.

I've learned a lot.

Mainly, I've learned that I don't know anything. And I like that fact. A lot.

Um.....

Well-

Today was not productive. I was suppose to get 5 pages of my 25 page annotated bibliography done today. Didn't happen.

I was suppose to get laundry done.....didn't happen.

I was suppose to vaccuum and clean the kitchen and the floor and my bathroom. Didn't happen.

Basically, today was a major fail. But- I did watch tv. I won there.

And I went bowling last night and actually won a game...before we started drinking. 3 pitchers in and I bowled a 40. Literally a 40....not so impressive. But the beer was good. So I'll call it a good night.

Anyway, I'm trying to a least get all my cleaning done tonight and I can get my dang paper done tomorrow. Ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving Break.